Separation can be used as an effective tool to work through relationship problems. It can be made a practical part of the exploration of what’s good and bad for a troubled relationship, and how best to save it.
When embarking on a separation, couples need to have a clear goal in mind. Are they trying to get back together or are they trying to find a graceful way to end the marriage?
Finding an answer to this may be difficult, especially if a couple has experienced a lot of negativity, guilt and a whole lot of other emotions, leading up to the separation.
The first question to ask before deciding whether to re-unite or to divorce is – do the partners make each other truly happy? Is life without the other person not something you can live with?
Pondering these questions would help you reach some level of clarity in terms of which path to take.
Assess pros and cons of the relationship
Try having a score card – an actual piece of paper with the pros and cons of your intended decision written down. Generally this is a good way to look at things in perspective.
Take time off to sift through thoughts, emotions and look at past memories – all these would help in reaching a clearer understanding in terms of what should be next.
More often than not, a leave of absence for a troubled marriage can be a blessing in disguise. The idea behind a trial separation is to explore what it is like to be apart. Setting a time frame for this can help in planning to make necessary changes to improve the relationship. Three months is generally considered a suitable time apart before deciding whether to get back together or agreeing to make it a permanent arrangement.
Make well thought out decisions
Few things define our lives more than the choices we make. With the a decision as big as this – not being hasty and giving each other as much time as needed will prove to be useful. Applying careful thinking to the matters at hand will lead both sides to wise decisions. It can also help make the negotiation process easier as well as reaching a mutually beneficial outcome.
Simplify the problem
When thinking through things, breaking down the problems into smaller, more manageable parts is a good strategy to adopt. This will ease the pressure on each other’s mind and it can reduce anxiety levels as well as help search for practical solutions to fix issues.
It is said that happiness in life is a choice, not a gift. When it comes to most marriages, happiness will be the result of hard work that each couple puts into their relationship. No doubt such a process takes time, effort and more importantly, mastering the art of facing challenges with an open mind.
Never play the “blame game”
One thing a separated couple should never do is play the “blame game”. Being proactive instead of reactive is far better for a struggling relationship. Trying to figure out whose fault has made the relationship go sour can be a waste of time. It is time that can be better utilised to plan on matters that need discussion and resolution. A healthy communication pattern is vital as it can shorten the usually long drawn route of a separation.
Compromise is vital
Knowing how to compromise is not just the key to a successful relationship, but it can also be an important aspect of a trial separation. Both partners need to be committed to change and when it comes to flexibility, there is nothing more effective than being sensitive to the other partner’s needs.
A couple working through a separation should never avoid asking the hard questions. Even though it can be tough, it is always better to get to the bottom of things rather than hold back and risk making a bad situation worse.
What must not be forgotten is that not all separations end in divorce. For a marriage that has been on the rocks – whatever the reason might be – a separation may serve to be fruitful in the long run as it helps to distance one’s self from a painful or hostile atmosphere. After which the self-exploration and resolution finding can begin.
Dealing with difficult emotions
Separating spouses usually have feelings of anger and resentment built up inside them. Not letting these feelings get in the way of each person's thought process is vital in making sure both parties reach a mutually acceptable result.
If there is any doubt, or if there are any feelings that either person wishes to explore further – dealing with these is a must before a final decision is made.
Separation can be either the beginning of the end or a new beginning. Either way, it can help in assessing what’s best for a couple’s broken relationship. Simply put, it is the opportunity to responsibly deal with a life changing decision. By using it productively a couple can ensure the mental, physical and financial health of the two partners as well as any offspring involved.
Hemi Wickramage - After completing university, Hemi worked as a junior reporter for an English weekly newspaper in South Asia. Amongst her many interests ...
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